pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
