We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
