having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
