I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
