Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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