I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
