My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
