Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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