youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
