I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
