Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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