It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
