Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
