please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
