Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I love having hate sex.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
