I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
