please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
