The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
