you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
