I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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