So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
