Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
