I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
