i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
