Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
