chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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