The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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