Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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