You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
