Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
