Me. At least after what I've been through.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
His hands were made for my vagina.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
