we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
