my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
