My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
