the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
