Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
