my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
