Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
