i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
