dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
