I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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