im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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