Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
