Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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