the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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