The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
