I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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