If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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