Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
