She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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