I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
