I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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